


if we make it or we don't, we won't be alone

by loosingletters



Series: light [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ableism, Child Soldiers, Fix-It, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Homecoming, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi, Jedi Culture, Nonbinary Character, Post-War, Recovery, Teaching, Traditions, clone culture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosingletters/pseuds/loosingletters
Summary: The war is over and the Jedi finally return home to Coruscant, but that is only the first step of many. Too many Knights are dead and too many children need training, but at least they are all home now. Now they just had to figure out what peace meant.Or, in the aftermath of the war, a Padawan tries to cope with the loss of her Master and the Padawan she acquired.
Relationships: Original Clone Character(s) & Original Jedi Character(s), Original Jedi Character(s) & Original Jedi Character(s)
Series: light [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739998
Comments: 62
Kudos: 668





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I get attached to my OCs way too fast.  
> Shallan is the little girl from "everything I know", now all grown up. Title is from Vance Joy's "We're going home".

Padawan Shallan Rom was twenty years old when the war finally ended. There were still some skirmishes around some planets, but the Republic was the Republic once more and she could finally breathe again. Her troops had been one of the last to be called back, they were the smallest group to return as well, but she had kept them alive long enough that they could finally go home, or something akin to it. Shallan didn’t know where the clones would go but she wouldn’t be the first to admit she was reluctant to watch her men go. Cutlass and Rebrem had been with her since the _start_ of this war. They had seen her at her worst and she didn’t want to just abandon them to any planet now. Her rooms at the temple weren’t big, but they were certainly larger than her quarters in their ship. She could fit her whole squadron in there without any trouble. She didn’t think Ahani would protest either. Truth be told, Shallan was pretty sure the twelve-year-old had spent the last six months sleeping on one of the brothers instead of their own bed, but Shallan couldn’t fault them. The men certainly were more comfortable than the ground, even when wearing their armor.

“First I’m going to eat the entire stock of Alderaani pudding in the mess hall,” Ahani announced. “Then I’m going to go swimming, then I’m going to search for all my crèchemates and then we’re going to bed and sleep for _two_ days!”

Shallan smiled down at her little companion, who was talking animatedly. Ahani looked more like they were going to fall asleep any second now than do any of those things. The Togruta child hadn’t been able to get any shut-eye while they were approaching Coruscant, they’d been too excited to go home.

“Two days?” Shallan echoed. “Then I hope your bed is very comfortable.”

“It is!” Ahani said. “But it might be a little small. Maybe your bed would be better, Master…”

Ahani looked down on their hands, their sudden change in their mood not going unnoticed. “You are still going to be my Master, right? We’re a team now.”

“The very best,” Shallan assured them and tried to convince herself while she was at it.

She wasn’t lying to Ahani, she just wasn’t exactly telling the truth either. Shallan had no idea whether they’d be allowed to stick together. Ahani’s Master had died two months into their apprenticeship and as they had been unable to send Ahani back to the temple, Shallan’s Master had decided to take them on. But then her Master had passed as well ( _he had been blown up by a mine. Shallan could still hear him scream in the Force for that split second he was alive before the explosion engulfed him_ ), leaving two Padawans with no teachers and an army to command.

Shallan had stepped up. She had been a Commander before but as often as they were forced to split up, she had acted like a General often enough to know how to run her company. So she had taken over command for as long as it took until the war finally ended and she was allowed to come home. It had been much too long, Ahani and her had bonded by the time the transmission had finally reached her. Their bond, by no means a regular training bond going by its strength, was like a beautiful long and thick cord, reminiscent of the braids she wove into her hair. So even if Shallan was still a Padawan, her connection with Ahani spoke for itself.

“So we’re going to my quarters,” Shallan said, picking up the conversation again. “Do you need to get anything from your old rooms?”

Shallan became a little nauseous at the thought of returning to her old quarters. They must have been left untouched. Her Master’s dirty robes would still be lying on the ground, her half-finished essay would be lying on his desk, waiting to be checked over. Her Master’s wood carving projects would probably be strewn across his room and the kitchen because he had the horrible habit to drag his work everywhere. Shallan let out a low breath.

“My clothes probably won’t fit me anymore,” Ahani muttered. “I have a few comics and posters? I never got to move into my former Master’s quarters so everything is still in the creché dorms.”

Ahani’s breath hitched, but they didn’t cry. Instead, they took a few long breaths just like Shallan had taught them deep in the trenches of some Force-forsaken planet nobody on Coruscant really cared about. They couldn’t afford to cry on the battlefield where any enemy could hear them, no matter how overwhelming a situation was.

“Alright, how about this then: You go and fetch your things while I tidy up my rooms?” Shallan suggested, keeping close watch on her Padawan.

Ahani certainly didn’t look all that comfortable with that suggestion. They started fidgeting, pulling at the hems of their sleeves. The two of them needed to stop at the dressing rooms to get proper clothing again. Ahani had grown out of their tunics long ago and Shallan’s had seen better days as well. They had started to throw in whatever piece of clothing they had found that fit. Had the war gone on for a couple more months, they hardly would have looked like Jedi still.

Most days Shallan wasn’t even sure anymore what being a Jedi actually felt like. However, faced with her Padawan’s uncertainty, Shallan pushed the thought to the very back of her mind.

Alright, Shallan could work with this.

_(She had to.)_

She’d just have to keep it together until Ahani was asleep. Her Padawan had become a light sleeper but here back home, she should be out light a light. No sweat. Shallan had carefully buried her grief for months already, what were a couple more hours compared to that?

“Or we go get your things together?” Shallan asked.

Ahani nodded and their dominant hand twitched. Already used to the habit, Shallan simply offered her hand to her Padawan before they would begin digging their sharp nails into their palms. Ahani took the offered hand quickly and squeezed it twice. Shallan repeated the motion and almost let out a sigh of relief when Ahani looked up at her with a shy smile on their lips.

One step at the time.

They had made home, the hardest part was over.

* * *

My friend drew Ahani! Check out their insta [sketching_grace](https://www.instagram.com/sketching_grace/?hl=de).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Using december to finish up the short fics I started in the light verse? perhaps  
> Also!!! If you haven't seen it yet, my friend drew me amazing art of Ahani! It's in chapter 1 if you wanna take a look!

Shallan walked to the crèche dorms together with her tiny, tired Padawan. Only a few Jedi passed them on their way there, and their number was outdone only by the clone troopers who had made themselves at home here. Still, despite all these people, the temple seemed too empty compared to what Shallan remembered of the time before the war. There was never a time where even one corridor was truly devoid, or at least that was how it had always felt to her. It was easy to find a spot to be alone for a while, but never a place where you could be truly lonely.

Therefore, the thought that this was the fullest she had seen the temple in months struck her so. It was frightening how just a few years could shift her perspective so excessively.

The closer they got to the dorms, the more children were running around. However, their number was also by far not as high as it should be. The number of injuries she could spot on them with her trained eyes, or the afterimages of great suffering, fractures in the Force, were revolting.

This was what the war had done to them.

Shallan wanted to scream, to break the bones of whoever dared to celebrate right now, ruin them, force them to look at all that she had done _in the name of the Republic-_

“Master?”

Ahani looked up at her with their big green eyes. There was no fear in them, but Shallan could see the wariness. Ahani sent her an inquiry across their bond, worry about the sudden change in Shallan’s attitude.

She needed to get her emotions under control again. Giving herself the duration of a single deep breath, Shallan shut down all the bitterness, buried it deep where it wouldn’t reach her apprentice.

“Where’s your dorm?” she asked.

“Right here.” Ahani pointed towards the next door on the right, decorated with paper cut-outs of fishes and flowers, then they frowned. “Mikko’s nameplate is missing.”

For Ahani’s sake more than her own, Shallan hoped that whoever Mikko was, their nameplate had been removed because they had found their Master and moved into new quarters. Shallan didn’t want Ahani to come home only to learn that they had lost one of their friends and hadn’t known until now.

Shallan quickly squeezed Ahani’s hand reassuringly. With newfound strength, Ahani opened the door.

The duo stepped into the room. It was a pretty average Initiate dorm from what Shallan could see. Posters covered the walls except for one section in the right corner where somebody had begun to paint a mural. One of the kids sleeping here apparently kept a few fishes, another one had a couple plants hanging from their bed and surrounding their desk.

Shallan knew immediately which desk and bed belonged to Ahani. _Adventures of Subzero 12_ the writing on the huge posters over one bed read. The poster showed a group of misfit adventures standing on a broken-down ship. Shallan wasn’t sure whether to be horrified or amused she knew more about the characters depicted on the poster than about the Chancellors of the last century. Eventually, she settled on amusement, remembering how much Ahani talked about those characters. Ahani hadn’t shut up about them in all the time that she had known her Padawan.

“Ahani?”

The new voice made Shallan freeze. Her first instinct was to reach for her lightsaber, to protect herself and her new Padawan. Before she could make that kind of mistake, she realized that it was not an enemy attacking them. Why would there be? They were at home; there was nobody here who would harm them.

A human girl crawled out of her high top bed, pink hair still a mess, and looking as tired as Shallan felt, but even more than that, they looked surprised.

“Ahani!” she exclaimed once more, disbelief coloring her voice, and then she promptly rolled over the edge of her bed, landing on her feet.

“Jejuva,” Ahani breathed.

The next moment, the two of them were in each other’s arms. Holding their friend close, they sunk to the ground. Ahani buried their face in Jejuva’s neck, their fingernails dug into her back, and she looked like nothing in the galaxy, not even a Sith Lord, could get them to let go of Jejuva.

“Ahani, I missed you so much,” the girl said once she released Ahani after what felt like hours.

She wiped over her eyes, rubbing away tearstains, and only then she seemed to take notice of Shallan.

“Master!” she said, cheeks burning bright, before her eyes focused on Shallan’s Padawan braid and confusion took over.

Shallan had thought of cutting it, her second in command had even offered to cut it for her, but Shallan hadn’t been able to bring herself to do it. It was a Master’s right to cut their Padawan’s braid, and even though her Master was gone, she wouldn’t take this honor from him or whoever he had chosen to do it in his stead.

“This is my Master, Shallan Rom,” Ahani introduced her quickly. “I’ve been with her since- since Master Dorak died.”

Ahani pressed their mouth shut. They didn’t often speak of their Master, and the few times they had mentioned his name, it had always ended in tears.

Shallan wasn’t sure what to think about the fact that the latter wasn’t the case now. Was it a good sign? Did it mean that Ahani was moving on?

She was incredibly out of her depth and all she could do was hope that her Padawan wouldn’t notice it. They’d be devastated to learn that Shallan was not this great teacher they were envisioning.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jejuva,” Shallan said. She didn’t offer her hand, feeling just a bit too drained for the shielding she might need, and instead offered the Initiate a formal wave. “We’re here to gather up Ahani’s belongings so that they can move in with me.”

“Of course,” Jejuva said. “Right, I can come help you if you need more hands?”

They didn’t need help. Remembering her own moving, Shallan knew that two people were more than enough to shift one young Padawan’s belongings around.

But the little Initiate in front of her looked almost desperate in her request. It was obvious that she didn’t want to be alone right now. It was strange that Jejuva was in their room on her own in the first place, she should be attending classes right now.

Perhaps Shalllan should ask, send her off too, but that would require too much energy. However, Shallan also didn’t want yet another kid around to witness her possible breakdown over dirty laundry, unfinished essays, and the familiar scent of her Master’s caf that Shallan had almost forgotten.

“More hands are always appreciated,” Shallan said, forcing herself to smile all while hoping that it was enough and wouldn’t lead to the two of them spotting her lies.

She could do it. She had to. How else was she ever going to prove that she was grown up enough to be Ahani’s Master?

“Let’s get this all packed up then.”

And then the three of them got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, feel free to come yell at me [on tumblr!](https://jasontoddiefor.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm never gonna get to the Anakin part of this arc so I struck him out of the story whoops.  
> Have fun!

The door to her rooms opened slowly, millimeter by millimeter, protesting against the movement. Shallan knew that it hadn’t changed, that it was still the same door she used to slam when rushing after her friends, but trying to cross that barrier now seemed impossible. The rooms that revealed themselves were entirely covered by a fine layer of dust. It wasn’t as much as there had to be before one of the many cleaning droids would come by, but it was still _enough_. Shallan and her Master had shared a smaller set of rooms, though they certainly seemed huge now compared to their ship’s quarters.

The two of them were messy people by design. They had thought it would be easier to take care of their living space if they didn’t have any room to spare where they could leave even more things lying around. Of course, that method hadn’t quite worked out as their rooms had always looked a little messy anyway. Her Master had claimed that their lived-in look made them feel _homey_ , but his friends had only laughed at that and gifted him more cleaning utensils for his birthday.

Shallan didn’t feel at home here anymore. She thought she was looking at a tomb.

The living room was exactly how they had left it. Two robes were thrown over the small sofa with the too many pillows. The armchair in the corner was occupied by a stuffed animal. Her Master had won it on the market on some Mid Rim planet Shallan barely remembered, and Shallan, thirteen then and too embarrassed by the giant loth cat, had refused to put it in her room. She hadn’t wanted to give it to the crèche either, too attached to the gift. In the end, it had ended up on the comfortable chair. Its occupation ensured that Shallan always had an excuse to curl up next to her Master on the sofa.

A sob threatened to shake her, but Shallan choked it down. She couldn’t have her breakdown, not now, not in front of two children who needed her support.

“Right,” Shallan said. “Let’s get to work then. Ahani, you can put your things somewhere around the table. I will grab some cleaning utensils.”

Shallan pointed around the table stacked full of books. Those too were still the same she had read the day before they went to war.

The only thing that seemed changed in the apartment were the plants that had grown since she’d last been here. Her Master and her had made a good team. Since Shallan was more interested in trees than flowers, as Anakin was, or herbs as Master Windu, her rooms weren’t covered with too much greenery. She was forced to keep her seedlings in one of the greenhouses before even they eventually grew too big.

Her Master, with his wood carving, had been utterly delighted to discover that the two could talk about trees and wood for hours without getting bored. He had said that by the time her first tree, the one they had planted together, would be tall enough to break off a branch, he would be the first to carve a trinket out of it for her.

Now he never would.

Shallan’s eyes stung when she gathered up the cleaning utensils and she doubted it was from the dust.

They started with the living room, then moved into Shallan’s room. Everywhere she looked, she saw signs of her padawanhood, of her Master and how much he had loved her. By the time her bedroom was clean enough that they could fall asleep there, Shallan was deeply exhausted and couldn’t imagine getting up again to clean out her Master’s room. She’d have to put his items into the storage for someone else to look through, see if they found the memories embedded in his wooden desk resonate with them as much as they had always resonated with her.

“Shallan?”

She looked up to see Ahani staring down at her, worry all over their face. “Are you alright? You’re crying.”

Shallan raised her check to find it wet. “Oh.”

She hadn’t even noticed the tears. Quickly she rubbed over her face to get rid of them and tried to smile reassuringly. “Yes, of course. I’m fine, I—”

“You don’t have to lie,” Ahani said.

Their friend had left barely ten minutes ago to tell their crèchemaster where they had spent the entire afternoon. Ten minutes, that was how long Shallan had managed to keep it together.

“I’m sorry,” Shallan said, the words starting to rush out of her like heavy rainfall. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I don’t— I didn’t—”

Her Master gave her piggy-back rides. He showed her all the constellations on every planet they visited, and he sang her lullabies when she was scared by the sound of storms of the worlds they went to, and he had smiled at her before he had pushed her away from him with the Force, still smiling, still gentle and soft-spoken.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

His voice still rang in her head.

He had saved her life and had been happy dying knowing that she had been safe.

Shallan sunk to her knees and even when she tried so hard to stop crying, she couldn’t. Ahani just wrapped their arms around her, their hands warm and so small still, and they held onto one other as if they were each other’s last lifeline. The storms outside howled, the winds cut into her flesh with unforeseen ferocity, dark waters tried to drag her down to the depths and Shallan clung to the young light she had dedicated herself to. As her tears ran freely, all her emotions washed over her and receded, a steady rhythm, rinse-rise-repeat of all that she was feeling until the waves no longer crashed against the shore.

Eventually, Shallan shoulders stopped shaking and she could look at her Padawan again without everything becoming blurry.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized once more. She was an adult. She should be able to keep herself in control in front of her Padawan. It wasn’t Ahani’s job to deal with Shallan’s problems. “I didn’t— I didn’t want you to see that.”

Ahani only turned their head and frowned, an expression so deep and disgruntled, they must have picked it up from one of the clones.

“Cutlass always says crying during downtime is good. It makes sure your heart isn’t heavy on the field and you can run quicker,” Ahani quoted with a smile.

Shallan had to laugh, a pitiful and ugly laugh that still felt like the best she had in years.

“Yeah, Cutlass did say that, doesn’t he?” Shallan said. “He’s always the wisest of them all.”

“That’s why he’s the Commander,” Ahani agreed, nodding along.

“Yep, that’s exactly why he’s the Commander.” Shallan didn’t bring up that he used to be just another soldier until all his leading officers had died and he had simply been the one to step up. Nobody had contested his new rank and it had stayed that way. There was hardly any time for military politics when they were deep in the trenches.

“Where are he and his brothers going to stay now?” Ahani asked. “I don’t think we can fit them in here without cleaning up some more now, and I’m tired.”

“Understandable,” Shallan replied. “We’ll have to clean some more later and think on a solution. Maybe we can ask the Council. They have probably thought of a solution already.”

And if not, Shallan would make it so. She was _tired_ of fighting, didn’t want to continue anymore and she wouldn’t raise her blade again, not for anything or anyone, but she would fight this last time for her Padawan and her men.

“Come,” Shallan said and stood up. She walked over to her closet and searched through it until she found something appropriate for the both of them to wear. “Let’s go to bed. We can clean up everything else tomorrow and see if we can talk to the Council sometime later.”

She helped Ahani get out of their own clothes and change into the new ones, an action so familiar that it almost made her grin, even if last time it had been because her charge was too exhausted to get out of her armor.

Once they were both ready for bed, Shallan ensured that Ahani took the left side of the bed, the one facing the wall, and placed herself in front of them, protecting them from an assault that would never come into their home. Her bed smelled like the detergent they used in the temple and not the one they used at the front and Shallan had never been more thankful for it. The blanket covering them both was heavy and so she waited until Ahani was asleep. Only once her Padawan’s breathing had steadied, she allowed herself to close her eyes as well and drift off.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As you can see, this is gonna have 5 chapters which will focus on the Padawans dealing with the end of the war. I hope you like it!  
> I'd love to know what you think!


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